Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Have you ever?

(disclaimer: This is a departure from my usual positive posts, not due my having issues currently, but rather to share that I have been there)

Have you ever spent a day holding on to the grass in your yard in an attempt to not get thrown off the planet?

Have you ever vomited so much for so long, it hurt to think about vomiting again?

Have you ever had the dim light of the daytime, shining though a blanket, scorch your eyes to tears?

Have ever squeezed your eyelids closed so tight your eyeballs hurt?

Have you ever had the sound of a light switch being turned off be painful?

Have you ever wished people would just leave you alone in your misery?

Have you ever lived in fear of something you have no control over?

Have you ever wondered, "why me?"

Have you ever wished for your old life back?

Have you ever lashed out at the ones closest to you because you didn't know what else to do?

Have you ever pushed on, in spite of being miserable, because you had no other option?

Have you ever begged to die?

I have.

'til next time


Just a guy trying to live with an invisible, potentially debilitating illness

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

The Question
Last week at work I got "the question" from one of my co-workers. If you have read through my posts, you know I am currently on my way to an accounting degree.  I was asked "OK, so once you get your degree, are you staying on as a tax preparer here, or moving on?"

I don't blame the person. Her concerns are legitimate. Since I have come on, I have gotten some of the more challenging returns to do, and I have been marketed as the guy for business and partnership returns. These are both areas that this office never had the time for in the past. Having me on staff has made it possible to broaden the scope of the work done here. If I were to leave, it would put a crimp in the clients we have gained.

But there I something bigger at play in my life. While I openly admit I do not mind doing tax work and really have no immediate intention to leave, it is not full time.

Thus, I had no other answer for her than this. "I really am not in the position to say what my future holds. I am living my life day by day at this point. While I see potential for growth here and am not opposed to being part of the growth, if someone were to offer me an opportunity that is completely unexpected and would be foolish to not accept, I have no other option than to look at it. But for right now, I am not looking any further than getting my Associates degree in May and concerning myself with getting my bachelors, starting this fall."

I'm not sure it comforted her much.

Later that day, I had a chance to visit with a teacher at my son's school. She sort of asked me the same question. I gave her basically the same answer. I really do not know where my future is, but I expanded on it a bit. I also have to concern myself with the stress level I place myself in. A job offer I can't refuse may be one I need to refuse because, as I said to this teacher, I have been very blessed to not find myself lying on the ground with vertigo, vomiting all over for the last 3 years. I have no interest in going back there.

I'm not positive that would happen, but I really have no desire to risk it.

The night before these conversations, I had another with a woman about my being deaf in a small town. Options are limited if you can't hear anything. The resources just don't exist in a small town. If it were not for my Cochlear implants, I really have no idea what my life would be and I do know that if I did not have them, I would not be on this journey to a college degree. It is that simple.

If I weren't open to using this gift to the best of my ability for the best of my family and community at large, it really would have been pointless to even embark on the road to hearing and college.

Over simplistic? Maybe. The truth? Yes. If I were deaf, and not using CI's, my life would be much more difficult.

To be completely honest, if it were not for my Cochlear implants and the lack of attacks, I wouldn't even be able to be asked the question.

'til next time


Just a guy trying to live with an invisible, potentially debilitating illness