Saturday, May 12, 2018

I Think I Found a Theme Song

I'm not one to come up with things like themes nor am I one to place my emotions in the hands of other's works of art. I usually live in the moment and deal with life. Oh, there have been occasions where something grabs me and I can't shake it, but not often. One such occasion was going into my senior year of High School. I was ready to be done. I was done with judgemental kids that had no clue, and out of nowhere Phil Collins releases his hit "I don't care anymore". It became my rally song to endure my senior year.

Another happened last week.

It was the spring "Pops" concert at my kids high school, actually on the way home.

I always have enjoyed music and this concert was no exception. It makes me feel young again and think back to my days in my high school band. Sure, it may have not been a popular thing in my school to be part of the band, choir got more respect, but I am not gifted with  voice. I was gifted with talent as a percussionist. I carried that gift with me into college (the first time) and I played for a small town community band for a number of years, so going back to concerts of my kids feels like a homecoming.

As I left the concert, I was feeling youthful and turned up the volume on my local classic rock station as I was leaving town. I am a closet singer in my truck, when nobody is around, and was belting out the tunes as I was driving.

Suddenly the lyrics of one song hit me. Lyrics I have heard many times, yet this time, they struck me deep to my core:
"Under the Bridge"- Red Hot Chili Peppers
This became a powerful reminder of where I was 5 years ago. I was at depths my soul had never experienced before. I felt lost, hopeless, useless.

It also reminded how far I have come since that time. No longer am I struggling like I was. I have accomplished so much, overcame so many barriers, been blessed beyond what I deserve. Meniere's has left me alone, for the most part. I no longer live in fear of attacks, but rather they are part of my history, part of who I am, but not controlling me.

I, for the first time in nearly 4 years, feel alive again. I feel intelligent, yet not completely whole. I feel confident, yet cautious. I feel wanted in my career, sought after even.

As an exercise for something I was pursuing, I was asked to list my skills and training and the list was long and empowering. Most of it in the last 4 years.

It was this realization that flooded me when I heard these lyrics.

It was at this point that I realized that this WAS my theme song, and I DON'T ever want to feel like I did back then.

'til next time


Just a guy trying to live with an invisible, potentially debilitating illness

Thursday, March 8, 2018

The gift
I just finished watching an episode of the TV show M*A*S*H* and an interaction in the story hit home for me.

In this episode titled "Morale Victory", Hawkeye and BJ are put in charge of morale in the camp. True to form, the story is interrupted by the war. Incoming casualties become the priority. 

One particular soldier had his leg severely damaged, but because of the skill of Dr. Charles Emerson Winchester III, he is able to save the leg rather than amputate, but the patient suffers irreparable damage to his right hand. As Dr. Winchester is consoling the patient about his leg, the patient asks "What happened to my hand?" He revealed he was a concert pianist. He had no use for his legs. His hands were his life.

Why am I telling you this story? Because it drives home a point. I honestly do not know if I can make the point more clearly than the writers to the show when they penned the script,

Charles: “Don’t you see? Your hand may be stilled but your gift cannot be silenced if you refuse to let it be.”
Sheridan: “Gift? You keep talking about this damn gift. I had a gift, and I exchanged it for some mortar fragments, remember?”
Charles: “Wrong. Because the gift does not lie in your hands. I have hands, David. Hands that can make a scalpel sing. More than anything in my life I wanted to play but I do not have the gift. I can play the notes but I cannot make the music. You’ve performed Liszt, Rachmaninoff, Chopin. Even if you never do so again, you’ve already known a joy that I will never know as long as I live. Because the true gift is in your head and in your heart and in your soul. Now, you can shut it off forever or you can find new ways to share your gift with the world–through the baton, the classroom, the pen. As to these works they’re for you because you and the piano will always be as one.”

The reason this strikes home to me is that I still, 4 years removed from my career, seek it out. This piece of the script reminds me that life changes and in the face of those changes, a person must realize that, although part of their life may be gone, it is only that: a part of their life. Life doesn't revolve around what you do or how you do it. Life is about how you deal with the changes. And that doesn't come from the external but from inside. It is the very "gift" that is being talked about in the script. The gift that is found in a persons head and heart and soul.

We all have a gift, yet every person's gift is different. What a shame it would be to let anything, including Meniere's Disease, steal that gift from us.

I have people who often comment on my "ability" to change careers with such enthusiasm and success at this point in my life. I don't see it as that amazing. It's what a person does when faced with challenges. You rise up and face them, or you let them beat you. 

Maybe that's my "gift". 

What's yours? Find a new way to "share your gift with the world". You may find it was the ultimate plan all along.

'til next time


Just a guy trying to life with an invisible, potentially debilitating illness

Saturday, January 13, 2018

It is what it is

I've reached an agreement with myself concerning this illness. Not a full acceptance, but an agreement. It is what it is. That may be as close to full acceptance as I may ever come.

I think that is where many with chronic illnesses get. Full acceptance may never be achieved, but acceptance of this being the hand they were dealt is what they have. You either play the hand you are dealt or you fold. Sadly, in real life there is no bluffing. Your hand will always get called.

This point was driven home to me recently when I visited my dentist. I had heard earlier that my dentist had retired early and rather suddenly and unexpectedly.

I was scheduled for a routine cleaning and as I was chatting with the hygienist, I mentioned that I heard there were some changes in the office. She went on to tell me of the main dentist's stepping aside from doing any restorative dentistry. The reason? He has the misfortune of inheriting tremors. 

This dentist prided himself on his quality of work and when the tremors migrated to his hands, he decided, or perhaps it was mutual with his medical doctor, that it was time to step aside. He may be 60 years old, at most. Far too young to be considering retirement. 

As chance would have it, he stopped by the office that day and popped in to say hi, or perhaps goodbye. This is the dentist I have seen for nearly 30 years, so we are more than patient/dentist. He knows of my Meniere's disease. We have talked at length about my hearing loss and Cochlear implants. He had even inquired if I would be willing to speak to his father in law concerning Cochlear implants as he knew his wife's father couldn't hear, even with his hearing aids. 

So, he popped in, said hello, and asked if I had heard the news.

Then he laid it out pretty clearly that he got what I have gone through.

I mentioned that I had noticed he had developed head tremors earlier this year. He replied that they had migrated to his hands, and although no accidents had happened, the chance of something happening had increased. "Power tools in a small mouth" were not a good situation, he said. He went on to say that if something were to happen due to this, he wouldn't be able to live with himself. Therefore, it was time to move on.

He offered that his tremors were not life ending, but certainly were life altering. Then he said, "but you know what I am talking about." Indeed I do.

The last year I farmed was also the time when Meniere's was kicking my behind. After I made the difficult decision to end the career I had for 30 years, one of my children's teachers said "I am so glad you made this choice before something catastrophic happened, not because something life threatening happened."

Like my dentist's tremors, Meniere's isn't life ending, but it is life altering.

As my dentist summarized, "It is what it is."

'til next time


Just a guy trying to live with an invisible, potentially debilitating illness